I go through phases of self-loathing sometimes, which I don't really like sharing with the people around me... I suppose that's what blogs are for, eh?

For the past weeks I've been sitting around at home feeling incredibly restless, wanting to do something but unable to do anything so I just end up really frustrated... Then last night I actually did have plans but I couldn't bring myself to actually go out and go through with them...

I'd been having a pretty bad couple of days, the heat was really getting to me I suppose... I've had what feels like a non-stop headache for the longest time...

Oddly, even my mom's been telling me to go out... This from the woman who complained that I went out too much...

Anyway, I was contemplating going out when I started going through one of my bouts of self loathing... You can't really call it pitying myself cos it's not... It's more like my head telling me what a fat, useless cow I've become and another voice trying to stand up for myself but it not working out...

My first initial reaction was to email the girls and tell them what's what, but I figured if I can't convince myself of any self worth what can they do?

Every once in awhile I go through these phases, and while some times I've fairly confident of myself, little things can trigger these thoughts...

Yesterday I think it was the fact that while we were meant to go out (the girls and I) somewhere not too far away from me, because of the fact that they were already somewhere else they decided to make it there... I mean fair enuff they did call to ask whether I minded meeting there instead, but hey, nobody told me they were going there in the first place...

For some reason that made me feel insignificant... Like I wasn't important enough to fit into their initial plans...

Made me contemplate so many things last night it was really a bit scary for awhile...

But now in the jarring light of day everything seems to be all right again... Which convinces me that these things are phases and that this too shall pass...

I haven't felt so lonely in the longest time, which explains why I'm here I suppose... Like a loyal old friend who will never let me down, I've always turned to my blog when I'm feeling down and out...

The phase hasn't fully gone yet I don't think, but I'm forcing myself to go out today, though my first instinct is to hide under the covers and hibernate till next week...

But this too shall pass...